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I'm lying in bed after a long call with my sister. My pillows are soaked from crying. I have absolutely no energy left. Christmas was supposed to be fun. It was, until the anxiety hit.
Exam results came out today. I honestly, truly believed I'd passed. But I didn't. I failed by three marks. Three. It's a tiny number, but it feels huge. I think failing by such a small margin actually hurts more than failing by a lot. It's like being right there at the finish line and tripping just before you cross it.
My parents are disappointed. I can't really blame them. This course is incredibly demanding. It takes a massive toll on you, mentally and physically. It's not an easy ride. It adds to the feeling that I'm not good enough.
More than the immediate disappointment of the result, I'm wrestling with the bigger questions. What am I going to do now? Am I useless? The thought keeps creeping in. I feel like I am. I know it's not helpful to think this way, but right now, it's hard to stop.
The results came out about three hours ago. Since then, I’ve felt… numb. Exhausted, tired, and just… empty. I haven’t been able to do anything, haven’t been able to write anything, until now. I just feel nothing. It’s a strange and unsettling feeling.I honestly want to talk to someone…
